in case you we're wondering depression is the fucking worst.

just for a second
everything feels fine
but then life goes back to feeling
i'm drowning
fighting the tide
salty water
my throat burning.

fragments

I used to carry around a little notebook with me wherever I went so when I thought of something to write I could just whip out the notebook and write it down. wherever whenever. But now sometimes I don't even carry a purse when I go out, not to mention a notebook that I'm afraid I'll lose somewhere. I've started writing using my cell phone, which I always have and is usually already in my hand. I don't use a special app I just send text messages to myself and then delete them when I put my writings somewhere else. I keep forgetting to put these mini poems/little story wannabes somewhere else and now my phone is running out of memory. So here are a bunch of my little cell phone fragments of stories to come.

sent jun 9: "I swear to God, Gina we are not going to die damn it"

sent jul 9: "You know if your parents didn't love you, you'd totally be homeless right now"

sent aug 7: "We found each other because of a magnetic pull. our bodies drawn to each other for survival for love. out of necessity friendships formed. and i call you my sister. I hug you through our bonds that won't be broken and I press my face to yours and through tears and smiles i say girl we made it we made it" (sidebar this is absolute shit omg)

sent aug 7: "picture this: cold/dark/late afternoon/hazy december. i'm in your broken down rusty honda, passenger seat. the heat is on. it's hot. there's sweat forming on the base of your neck. i take off my scarf/unbutton my coat. smile at me/ hold my hand next to the shift stick. i'm looking out the window at skyscrapers turning into factories into trees. take me into the woods. this isn't right. i watch a lot of lifetime movies and baby i trust you but baby don't kill me. baby don't kill me in this car on this december afternoon in this too hot car in this goddamn state in these woods. i don't even get cell service out here. baby it's so hot in this car and i can't breathe. i roll down the window/that blasting loud rush of highway air rolls in. you look at me and smile and hold my hand harder look up at my face and kiss my cheek. what's wrong? nothing its just hot in here and i'm tired."

sent aug 12: "She doesn't look like the type of girl that ate 7/11 chilli cheese dogs on the side of the road waiting for a metro bus, but there she was."

sent sept 14: "Have you ever been on the verge of tears on an uptown D train? Partly allergies, part melancholy from disappointment: a night out that never really made it out. I don't know why I feel like crying but I think there's something romantic about crying on the sidewalk of a busy NYC street. or on a packed local train during rush hour. Anonymous pain on display for hundreds of passers by. validating your feelings for the world, with the world."

four weeks of nails

girl girl girls

I'm in love with watercolors. I keep painting these portraits of odd looking alien space babes. It's so fun

Cheese and friendship and mold

In the fifth grade I did a science experiments that measured the rates of decay of different foods by measuring the amount of mold on each food. I had samples of cottage cheese, ground beef, cooked pasta and salsa. Everything got moldy. Everything decayed. The cottage cheese took the longest and my fourth grade scientific mind took that down to the pasteurization of the cheese. The sort of purification of the cheese by removing bacteria.
I wish you could see the rates of decay of friendships. I wish you could pinpoint that first moment of mold growth and go "whoa, this friendship is going bad. Its all moldy and maybe we need to sit back and talk." But friendships are not food samples in my fifth  grade science experiment. Friendships are complex and deep and intricate and beautiful.
I think what I want to say is that I hope this friendship isn't ending. I think what I want to say is that I hope we're the cottage cheese of this experience, pasteurized and long lasting. I hope we out stay the rest of this mold. I hope we last the longest.


*I'm sorry I compared us to cheese, I know that's not that cool.

Nap dreams are the weirdest.

   I took a nap in the middle of the day and had a strange dream. I was going to a party at a family friend's apartment and I was a bit older and a bit thinner.
And I was with this man, who was French who I introduced as my boyfriend Francois.
And everyone was super excited that I was at the party with a boyfriend.

   Then the dream jumped and I was in bed waking up with Francois and a naked girl sitting over me rummaging through the pockets of my leather jacket. I turned to Francois and said "Is this the pickpocket burglar? Why is she in our house?" He was so nonchalant and just said something like "Don't worry about it. You worry too much, stop worrying", in a thick French accent.
And then he told the naked pickpocket to leave and she did.
And so did I.
   I left and next thing I know I'm on a couch in a therapist's office and the therapist is Liz, from Nip/Tuck,  and she's asking, "Why do you want to skip all of this and go straight to being 30 married and boring? You have so much life right now. Why do you want to skip over it?"
I start to answer but then my alarm goes off so I wake up from the dream disoriented.



I think I should stop watching Nip/Tuck before bed
and maybe I need to stop wishing to be older
and done with all of this, whatever this is.